Written by the Renew & Revitalize Life Coaching Team

We often tell ourselves that we deserve love and happiness in our lives, but deep down, we don’t always believe it, even when involved in a healthy, nurturing relationship. What happens next is that your seemingly perfect romance very suddenly starts to sour. If this is something you’ve experienced, you might have been guilty of self-sabotage. Rationally, it can be a difficult concept to digest. After all, why would anyone actively work to bring negativity into their lives?

According to Psychology Today, self-sabotage usually is triggered by one of the following four things: low or shaky self-concept, internalized beliefs, fear of change or the unknown, or excessive need for control. While this can help you address the situation, it can still be difficult for people to recognize that this behavior is occurring in the first place. Here are five signs that you might be subconsciously sabotaging your relationship.

1. You Cancel Plans Often and With Little Reason

No one can be expected to be available 100% of the time. Life is unpredictable, and things like forgotten appointments, running late on errands, unexpected work assignments, or family emergencies can all put a damper on your plans. But, consistently canceling without reason is a sign of avoidance, and makes your partner feel disrespected.

2. Avoiding Heavy Topics of Conversation

While your conversations don’t have to be serious and life-defining every time you’re together, there are certain topics you can’t just put off indefinitely. For a relationship to grow, you need to be honest with each other, and that includes addressing conflict and figuring out what your expectations are for your future. If you’re not willing to put work into the relationship or make any sort of commitment, that’s a red flag. After all, as Very Well Mind explains, “commitment reduces your ability to leave a relationship without financial or emotional consequences, you tend to avoid it.”

3. Refusing Intimacy

Intimacy is a vital part of any healthy relationship. This doesn’t just mean sex, though that can be an important aspect as well. Being intimate with your partner means letting your guard down and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. If you continually put up walls and refuse any form of intimacy, your relationship can’t grow.

4. Focusing on the Negative

If you’re constantly focusing on everything you don’t like about your partner or yourself instead of appreciating the positives, you might just be looking for an excuse to break things off. Try looking back on the last few things that upset you. In retrospect, do these still seem valid and worthy of a fight? As Mind Body Green Relationships states, “if you are regularly upset that your partner is not meeting your expectations and are not communicating your disappointment to them, this could also be a sign that you have already deemed your partner unfit for you in your head.”

5. You Go Out of Your Way to Hurt Your Partner

This is the biggest red flag of all. If things have progressed to the point where you are actively pursuing people outside of the relationship or using sarcasm and gaslighting to consistently belittle your partner whenever they’re around, there’s no denying that your behavior has escalated to the point of being undeniably destructive.

Confronting Self Sabotage

If you recognize any of the above behaviors as your own, then you might be the one subconsciously sabotaging your own relationship. But there’s a difference between acknowledging that there’s a problem and doing something about it. At Renew and Revitalize Life Coaching, we can help you dive into what might be driving your urge to self-sabotage and come up with a plan of action that will allow you to stop. Reach out to us for a free consultation and start building a healthier relationship today.

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